


Athazagoraphobia

by its_me_smol_steve, Pufalup



Series: Stucky Oneshots by Sophia Wirtz [5]
Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Gets a Hug, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Comfort, M/M, Mental Breakdown
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-24
Updated: 2019-03-24
Packaged: 2019-12-07 00:45:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18227627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/its_me_smol_steve/pseuds/its_me_smol_steve, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pufalup/pseuds/Pufalup
Summary: Athazagoraphobia: the fear of being forgotten or ignored; or, the fear of forgettingTrigger Warning: This work contains mentions of mental disorder





	Athazagoraphobia

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! This is not something I usually do, but it's something I feel I need to. It was written with someone specific in mind, but if you can relate to it, then take it as your own. You will get better. I promise. Until then, trust you won't be lost or forgotten.

"I wonder if it's some kinda shell shock? Y'know, like old Joe had?"

"I'm fine," Bucky said, hugging the pillow to his stomach.

"I'm just sayin', maybe you should go see someone."

"What, like a shrink? I'm fine, Steve."

"Sam, at least. He-"

"Dammit, Steve!" Bucky stood and in one fluid motion turned and threw the pillow back on the couch. "I said I'm fine!" He stalked off, and Steve heard the front door slam.

He sighed and shook his head. This was the fourth time this week Bucky had stormed out. "You're not," Steve said belatedly, holding back the loneliness with his words. He reached forward and fluffed the pillow Bucky had been holding on to. "I can see it. 'M not sayin' I'm okay either, but I know the difference, and I'm workin' on it. I'm better'n you are right now." One final stroke to right the pillow, and Steve sighed as he got up. "I just want to see you happy," he said down to the pillow. "I don't want to see you hurting. Is that so wrong?"

Outside, on the fire escape, Bucky let his head gently thump back into the wall. He bit his lip and looked up at the sky. "And I need to pretend like everything's alright. I know you don't get it, but this is the only way I can function," he whispered, more just mouthing the words, so low he could barely hear himself.

He sighed and stood back up before swinging over the edge onto the roof and running, jumping when he got to the edge, over and over again, carrying himself further away from Steve. He can't be around him right now. He won't be able to pretend anymore. A couple months passed, this argument being the most common of all. Sometimes Sam would come over of his own volition, but Bucky never fully believed Steve wouldn't invite him over to be Bucky's therapist, so Bucky stayed closed off, smiling when someone smiled at him.

"Bucky?" Steve knocked on his door. "I just wanted to make sure you're okay... you're usually up by now." He placed his palm flat on the door and sighed. "I know you think I don't get it, but I might be the only person who actually does know how you feel. Talk to me? Please?"

No answer, and Steve sighed. "I'm gonna make breakfast, are you hungry?" He tried, but still there was no answer. "Okay," he said at last. "Space. I get it. I'm gonna keep checking on you, though." He sighed, gave one more light tap on the door, and walked away.

Inside the dark room, Bucky blinked, and a tear fell. Then another, and another, and another. He couldn't stop it, couldn't do anything about it, so he silently cried, still feeling oddly blank. He hated it. He hated feeling useless, broken, not good enough, so he pretended until he couldn't anymore. He knew, somewhere in the back of his mind, this was the breaking point. And he did nothing about it. He couldn't.

A couple hours later, Steve returned. "Buck? I made lunch. Soup, like Ma used to. Do you want some?"

Bucky couldn't answer, even if he wanted to.

"Bucky, you need to eat. Tell me no, or make a noise, or something, and I won't come in; but if you stay silent, I'm gonna come in."

He waits.

Bucky thinks it's for no reason; he can't move. He can't tell Steve no. Not that he wants to. The tears apparently haven't run out, and they spring up, unbidden, again.

"Buck?" The door slowly opens. "Listen, I'm sorry if you were sleeping, but in my defense you don't usually care if I wake you up for food." He places the bowl on the nightstand and turns to face Bucky, finally really seeing him. He reached out a hand and stroked Bucky's hair back from his face. "I've been there before," he murmured. "You feel numb, don't you? But also like you're being torn in half." He left his hand in brown strands.

"This is why you didn't say anything, isn't it? Because you can't."

Bucky slowly blinked, more tears falling. Steve kneeled to see Bucky's face better. "You're shaking, Buck," he whispered, cupping his jaw. "You've gotta let it out." Bucky blinked again, then shut his eyes. "If this is you wanting me to leave, I can't do that, Buck. Not while I know what kind of mental state you're in." Bucky opened his eyes and looked at Steve, then down at the bed.

He blinked, then did it again.

Steve frowned slightly. "Are you saying you want me to get in bed with you?" Bucky blinked at him, and Steve gave him a small smile. "Yeah, Buck. Give me one second to grab a couple things, okay?" He squeezed his hand, then stood and walked out. Bucky could hear him moving all around their apartment, from the living room to the kitchen, and then finally back to the bedroom. "I grabbed a couple things we're gonna need, and a couple things I wish I'd had when I crashed," he announced, laying a pile of blankets at the foot of the bed and putting various other things on the nightstand.

"Okay," he said, surveying the bed. "The only way this is gonna work is if I get in behind you."

Bucky blinked at him, then looked back down at the bed.

Steve huffed out a chuckle and climbed in, pulling the brunet where he wanted him, until Bucky was halfway laying on Steve and the blond had both arms around Bucky's torso. "I know it's scary," he said quietly. "but you've gotta feel. You've gotta let your emotions out, or else this is just gonna happen again." Bucky's hand twitched on Steve's, and Steve's hold tightened. "I told you, I've been there before. You've gotta let 'em out."

In a surge of energy, Bucky flipped over and buried his face in the area where Steve's neck meets his shoulder.

He started off just shaking, but pretty soon choked-off sobs came. "I know it hurts, but it'll be better when it's all over," Steve promised. "Trust me on this one."

"Steve," and he was interrupted by another sob.

"It's okay," Steve soothed. "You don't have to talk right now. I get it. It's okay."

"It's not," Bucky managed, and Steve nodded.

"I know that, too. Can you at least believe that it will be?" He moved in some semblance of a shrug and shifted closer to Steve. "Hey, it's alright. Are you cold? Want me to grab one of the blankets?" Bucky shifted closer, and Steve turned a laugh into a sigh. "Hang on, let me grab it before you go full octopus on me."

He moved as little as he could, but it still ended up with Bucky clinging to him like a limpet. "I know, it's fine. I'm not leaving. Not until you're okay." He huffed out a small laugh, "Even then, I'm not leavin'. You're stuck with me, pal."

"Good," Bucky grunted, and Steve chuckled.

"Hey, there you are. Feeling any better?"

Bucky considered it, then shook his head. "Okay. That's okay. What do you want to do? Stay here, or get up?"

Bucky tightened his grip and shook his head, and Steve soothed him. "Okay, we'll stay here, it's fine. Think you can sit up for a minute to eat something? Or at least drink some water?"

Bucky thought about it, then slowly shook his head.

"I wish you would." He shook his head again, and Steve sighed. "Alright. You're eating something today, though, okay? I know you know you should." Bucky nodded, then shifted slightly and relaxed.

"You gonna fall asleep, Buck?" Steve carded his fingers through Bucky's hair again, and the brunet shrugged slightly. Steve didn't say anything, just kept stroking Bucky's hair, and pretty soon, he was asleep.

Steve yawned and lowered his hand to clasp it around Bucky's torso again. A little nap couldn't hurt, he thought, and soon enough he was drifting off, too.

When he woke up, Bucky was returning from the bathroom. "Hey, sleepyhead," Bucky grinned, and Steve smiled softly.

"You feeling better? Actually feeling better?"

Bucky dropped the facade and sighed as he sat on the edge of the bed. "Not really."

"Then do me a favor?"

"What's that?"

"Don't pretend like you're alright. You don't owe anyone anything. If you don't feel okay, don't pretend like you are. Deal?"

"Deal," Bucky said, and looked down.

 

"You hungry?"

"Not really."

"Will you eat anyways?"

"I can try," Bucky said, and Steve gave him a small smile.

"That's all I'm asking."

A little while later, Bucky looked up at Steve, then back down at his bowl. "The hardest part is, I know how irrational I'm being. I can see it. There's no reason for me to not be able to get out of bed. There's no logical reason for me to not be able to talk. There's not."

Steve paused. "No," he said carefully, "Maybe there isn't a logical reason. But maybe your brain doesn't need one, y'know? Brains are really complex, and we still don't fully understand how they work. You know this, you're the science nerd out of the two of us. So, no, there isn't a logical reason. That doesn't mean you aren't behaving logically. All I'm asking you to do is trust me."

"I've been doing that since day one," Bucky remarked with a thin smile, and Steve chuckled.

"Then you should have it down pat." Bucky held the smile for another second, then dropped it and rubbed his face. "God, I'm exhausted," he groaned. "But I've also slept more today than I have in general recently."

"Because emotions are exhausting," Steve nodded. "I get it. C'mon, you're done with the soup anyways." He motioned Bucky over to lay with him again, and Bucky sighed as he complied.

"Thanks, Steve. I'm sure this isn't what you'd envisioned this morning."

Steve shrugged. "That was this morning. This is now. And I like now."

He felt Bucky smile against his skin. "Yeah, me too, mostly. 'Night, Stevie."

"Goodnight, Buck. I'll be here when you wake up."

**Author's Note:**

> Sophia Wirtz got an archive of our own! Find her works here: https://archiveofourown.org/users/its_me_smol_steve/pseuds/its_me_smol_steve


End file.
